A time to worry

Since I love my planner, and since I love to schedule events into my planner, and since I love to make to-do lists in my planner, and since I practically cuddle with my planner every morning as I map out my day . . . since I love all these planner-esque things, maybe it makes sense that I occasionally schedule "time to worry" into my planner.

Well, I don't actually call it "time to worry".  But here's the way it usually goes:  I notice a lump, or a rash, or some kind of ache that is either (a) perfectly normal or else (b) a sign of my impending death, I'm not sure which.  What to do?  I don't want to pester my doctor with every minor mosquito bite . . . but I also don't want to let something serious turn into something even more serious.   Because I've seen the latter happen to a couple of people I love, and it wasn't good.

So, what I do is this:  I pull out my planner, and I choose a day two weeks in the future, and I write, "skin rash, left side of neck ([today's date])".    Or "stomach ache ([today's date])".   And then I give myself permission --- actually, even a mandate --- to not fret about the problem for two weeks.

The thing is, so far, every single time I've done this, the problem has disappeared.   And so I make the note, and I get to two weeks from now, and I get to have a brief, pre-scheduled moment of contentment and relief:  I'd totally forgotten I might have been on the brink of fatal disease, but in fact, I'm fine.  Life is good.

I got to share this technique with K-daughter a month or so ago.  She texted me, in a bit of a pother:

K:  I've been dizzy for like, 3 days now. It started the day that I only got an hour of sleep. But ive had two nights of sleep since and I still feel off. I know i haven't been eating nearly as much... But i ate a lit today. Do you think i should worry?

 Me: I schedule "worry" days in my planners sometimes. When I get an itchy rash that is *obviously* cancer, or a stomach ache after doing sit-ups (also, obviously cancer), etc, I put a note to myself one or two weeks out in my calendar. If I still itch or ache, I know the start date and then I can take it to the doctor.

Me again: I've done this a dozen or so times, and never had to go to the doctor. It gets more reassuring each time I make myself a note.

And it's true.  The more I practice scheduling the "worry" days, the easier it becomes not to worry.  I've done this so often, that the mere act of writing things down in my planner becomes part of the "cure"; I know I've been edgy like this so, so many times, and just that many times, I was edgy about a problem that evaporated.  That I didn't need to worry about in the first place.   And that's why I write things down now:  to reassure myself in the moment, but also to reassure my future self that this, too, passes.   It's a feed-back loop that feeds me forward as well.

I read about a similar stance in Amy Cuddy's book Presence; it's one of those pop-psychology books that I eat up like candy.   She had a popular TED talk on posing like Wonder Woman to build confidence, and this whole book came out of her research and that talk.   One part of her book, not on posing but on nudging, reminded me of my worry dates.  She wrote about mindfully avoiding anxiety about excelling publicly at work:

For me, each time I felt that high-stakes pressure, I actually had to nudge myself toward slowing down and toward fixating less on results.  I could not change instantaneously, simply deciding to change.  But each time I nudged myself forward, I was creating a memory that I could access the next time I felt a sense of panic. I could say to myself, "I've done this before, so why not do it again?"   

 Page 251, Presence, By Amy Cuddy

Yeah -- by keeping track of those times that I got a little freaky on myself, I get better at recognizing the freaking for what it is.  And it also gives me a way to de-freak my kids -- a nice side benefit.

Because, in fact, K-daughter turned out to be fine. She got some reassurance from her mom; she got some sleep; she got some food, and she didn't even have to wait two whole weeks to write me back and say,

K: I took your advice and ate lots of leafy kale last night and Im feeling really good today!!!! :D

Huzzah for feeling really good today.  Or any day.

Maybe now I'll go cuddle with my planner.