Making David a napkin ring

A pair of my husband's old suspenders, about to be
reincarnated as napkin rings.

A few weeks ago, I went to visit my best friend from childhood.  We live very different lives now, despite our growing up so close.  (And still being close when we see each other, even after all these years, I should add).  One of the big differences is our relationship to money: it's tight for her, and is going to continue to be tight for a while.

Beginning the transition:  draw a name
on the future napkin ring.

My friend and her husband both have relatively lower-middle class jobs.   And my friend's income hasn't been constant the way mine has:  she took a couple of years off of work to care for a child with special needs.  That child is now starting college, and my friend is back at work as a secretary at a nearby university.  But the lost years of income are going to continue to be a big deal for my friend and her family.  Paying for college for both of her kids (even with the help of being employed by a university) will be tough, and she's looking at working for many years -- retirement is far in the future.  In contrast, my husband and I both over-saved for our two sons' educations; my husband is retired now and I'm financially able to retire today if I wanted to -- there are social and other aspects keeping me at my job now.

I don't want to minimize these huge life aspects.  I know they're massive.

Stitch over the ink using a button-hole stitch

At the same time, when I was visiting my friend, I kept noticing ways in which the spending between us was also hugely different. One of the most noticeable was that my friend had three cars for four people.  She lives in a suburban area designed for easy driving and hard walking, and so learning to drive is a crucial rite-of-passage for kids.  Her daughter really didn't want to drive, but she made her daughter learn anyway.  This is a huge contrast with my own beaten-up, 2001 Prius that my husband and I share; it's still the case that of the four of my children who've stayed local, only one drives and/or owns a car.  That's a big difference in expenses right there.

But also, there were many little expenses that were different.  Like, my friend uses paper napkins.  I haven't used those in forEVER, and I was struck by how flimsy and insubstantial they can be.  It gave me another reason to love my full-sized, thick cloth napkins at home.   And that isn't even about cost -- cloth napkins are just nice.  (My daughter -- the one who hangs out with friends who give her Tiffany bracelets because she was the only one in the clique who didn't have one, poor girl -- once observed, "The people who have cloth napkins are either rich people or frugal people".   yeah, that,)

Turn a strip into a ring.

There's something wonderfully hospitable and welcoming about named napkins, too.  My sister has a set of "family napkins" --- she's stitched the names of family members onto the napkins themselves.  She hosts week-long reunions for 30+ people at her place, and everyone gets their own napkin.   She's had her young nieces gaze at the well-worn napkins of older relatives, and remark in awe that "ooh, maybe someday I'll be here often enough that my napkin looks like that."   Having your own napkin, in the culture of my sister's reunions, is a mark of belonging.

In our family, it's not the napkins but the rings that get labelled. My kids do, every once in a while pull out the rings and reminisce over past visitors.  "Remember when Beth was in the house?  Oooh, I miss Ian!  Oh, that's right, the dog chewed J-son's napkin ring up!  I saw Y just the other day; she's taken her first set of boards".  The box of napkin rings is almost like a photo album, without the photos.

And getting a napkin ring of your own . . . well, that's a sign of welcome and acceptance into our clan.  It means you've broken bread with us often, and that we expect you're going to do it again and again.  When K-daughter saw that her friend David had gotten a napkin ring, she was so excited she whipped out her phone, took a picture, and texted him immediately.

So welcome to the Miser clan, David. It's good to have you at the table.